The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
