I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
