I think I died a long time ago.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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