Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Someone signed my nipple.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
