Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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