She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Randomize
