I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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