i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
