Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
