So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
