During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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