1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
