my phone needs a breathalizer
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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