I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dicks are not precious.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
