I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
