bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
