You're completely useless in the revolution.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
