I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
this boner is exhausting
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
