Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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