If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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