I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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