Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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