My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
