I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
