did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
