oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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