The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
