i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
