sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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