At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
