sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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