I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
