there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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