then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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