where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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