Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
