the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
