Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
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I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
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I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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