in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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