swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
