There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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