I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
