This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
