Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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