My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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