someone threw a dead crab at me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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