I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
