You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
