I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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