I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Are we still banned from the library?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
