If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
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Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
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He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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