Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
