and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
