and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
