just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
