Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
