I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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