If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I have aggressive nipples.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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