nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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